


Howdy Y'all! It's McHanzo Week 2016!

by AughtPunk



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: ALL WEEK!, IT'S TIME FOR COWBOY AND SAMURAI SMOOCHES, M/M, OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY, let's do this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-09-09 14:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8893591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: It's McHanzo Week 2016! Everyone put on your cowboy hats and only wear half a shirt! Day 1 - First Time: Hanzo will make proper Sweet Tea or die tryingDay 2 - Domestic Life: The Noodles are stealing odds and ends. But why?Day 3 - Alternate Universe: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS TIMEDay 4 - Role Reversal: McCree tries archery. It doesn't go well.Day 5 - Young Love: Hanzo is having a very strange dream. So is McCree.Day 6 - Ultimate Swap:Day 7 - Holiday Season:





	1. Day One - First Time

No one could say that Hanzo never did his research. After a brief, forgotten comment from Jesse he set to work immediately. What he thought would be a simple search ended up with him falling into hours of searching online, scrolling through arguments and countless youtube videos featuring terrifying old women speaking in accents he could barely comprehend. He was on the verge of declaring this mission a failure when a mysterious email popped into his inbox, containing nothing but a recipe and skull made in ASCII. 

A trap? It didn’t matter. He was going to make sweet tea or die trying. 

The ingredient list was almost too simple. Horrible bagged tea (‘Get the cheap one’, instructed the email), more sugar than should ever go in tea (the correct amount in Hanzo’s eyes was zero), and fresh crushed mint (‘trust me’). After brewing the sawdust-like tea, stirring in the sugar, and adding the sprig of mint, Hanzo was starting to wonder if the email really was a trap. 

“Whatcha up to, darlin’?” 

Hanzo jumped at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice. He thought to hide what he was doing, but it was too late. Jesse’s arms were already around Hanzo as the man hugged him from behind. “Nothing.” 

“Doesn’t look like nothin’.” Jesse lightly kissed Hanzo’s neck. Maybe getting caught wasn’t so bad. “Almost looks like you’re, aww hun, did you make sweet tea?” 

Hanzo stared at the fruit of his labors: A large glass pitcher filled with tea and more sugar than any human should ingest in one sitting. His arm still ached from the sheer amount of stirring he did to get it all to dissolve. “I have never made tea this way before. I, I don’t know if I did it right.” 

Jesse picked up the pitcher with one hand, making damn sure to keep the other around Hanzo. “Well! Let’s test it out!” Clearly ignoring Hanzo’s shocked cry Jesse drank straight from the pitcher. After a terrifying second of Hanzo wondering if his terrible sweet tea would be the final straw of their relationship Jesse slammed the pitcher back down and laugh.

“Hanzo! Darlin’! This is perfect! You even put a lil’ mint in there, just how I like! How did you know?” 

Hanzo glanced at his phone (still opened on the ASCII skull) on the counter before leaning up enough to give Jesse a kiss. He could still taste the sugar on his boyfriend’s lips. “Intuition?”


	2. Day 2 - Family

It started with little things going missing. One of Jesse’s belt buckles. An arrowhead Hanzo was working on. Then it moved up to Jesse’s favorite serape and Hanzo’s lucky ribbon. The final straw, however, was the disappearance Jesse’s hat. Which so happened to line up with Hanzo’s lil’ noodle dragons, Soba and Udon, going missing. That was enough to get all of Overwatch on a Watchpoint-wide hunt for the missing items and creatures. Bastion was the one who found them in the end, items and dragons curled up in a nice corner of his garden that was shielded from the elements. Plus something the two men didn’t exactly expect. 

“Hanzo? Did your dragons lay eggs?” 

Hanzo knelt down next to the nest made up of his and Jesse’s worldly possessions. There, wrapped in a familiar red serape, were four eggs seemingly made of crystal. Within each one was a faint flickering light. Around the eggs slept Udon and Soba, both dragons too exhausted to even answer Hanzo’s silent summons. Hanzo lightly scratched Udon behind the horns. “It...appears so.”

“Huh.” Jesse sat down beside Hanzo, “How’s that, do dragons normally, aren’t they-” 

Hanzo held up his hand to silence Jesse. “One, yes, spirit dragons can lay eggs. They are not formed in the usual manner. Instead the dragon removes a sliver of its power from its body to form the egg. Two, before you even bother to ask such a crude question no, my dragons did not have babies with each other. Clearly two are Udon’s, and two are Soba’s.” 

“Unless it’s like a one-three split. Or they all belong to one. Soba seems the settlin’ down type.” 

That got a smile from Hanzo. “We won’t know until the dragons wake up. Creation is an exhausting process, even for them.” 

Jesse shuffled enough so he could lean against Hanzo. And, in return, Hanzo let his head fall onto Jesse’s shoulder. They sat together like that for a moment, watching the twin dragons slumber. When Jesse finally broke the silence he did so with carefully chosen words. 

“But why? Why now? And why our stuff?” 

The exact questions Hanzo was hoping Jesse wouldn’t ask. Hanzo grasped at Jesse’s hand, letting their fingers entwine around each other. “A lot of the knowledge about the dragons was lost with my father. However, I have a faint memory of seeing his own dragon nest like this. The dragon even stole my mother’s favorite kimono to make it. I remember sneaking out of my bed late at night just so I could look at the little egg with it’s shining green light within.” 

“Aww, darlin’.” Jesse said in that tone he always used when he imagined lil’ Hanzo. “Wait. Green light? Don’t tell me-” 

Hanzo nodded. “Nine months after that Genji was born, and the egg hatched.” 

“I see, so you’re saying somewhere in the world four lil’ dragon summoners gonna be dropped off by the stork? Guess we can keep the eggs safe until then. Gotta admit it’s a shame we won’t be able to keep them. Bet dragon kittens are cute as all hell.” Jesse grinned. That sweet, clueless grin of a man who missed an important part of the story. 

“Jesse.” Hanzo squeezed his husband’s hand. “The spirit dragons lay eggs when the head of the Shimada clan is expecting a child.” 

“Yeah? But there ain’t a Shimada clan any-” 

Jesse froze. He looked at Hanzo. He looked back at the sleeping dragons and the four eggs. He looked back at Hanzo. “Hanzo? Darlin’? You wouldn’t be expecting, are you?”

Hanzo tried to fight down a smile, but he couldn’t. Not with that adorable shocked look on Jesse’s face. “No, I am still biologically male and unable to carry a child. But...after you were injured last mission...the thought of settling down did cross my mind. Overwatch is rapidly growing and no longer requires everyone in the field. We could take on non-combatant roles, perhaps training the new recruits, or working solely on strategy-” 

Jesse slipped his arm around Hanzo. “And adopt four dragon-summoning kids?” 

“You did once mention always wanting a big family.” 

Soba and Udon wiggled around in their sleep, letting their bodies flex and coil before resting back against the four eggs. Jesse moved as well, taking the moment to lean down and softly kiss Hanzo on a lips. A kiss that spoke of a future together. Of a future neither of them were expecting. But that didn’t mean it was unwanted.

“And there ain’t anyone on this Earth I’d rather have one with, darlin’.”


	3. Day 3- AU

_ Deep within the Underdark once lived two dark elven brothers, cursed by fate to be the only Drow within their city to be untouched by Lloth’s evil. For years they hid the goodness within their hearts until one day the youngest brother rebelled against the Spider Goddess’ High Priestess. He was punished by being changed into a Dryder, a centaur-like creature with the upper body of a Drow and the lower body of a monstrous spider. His family, deeply ashamed, commanded the elder brother to kill the younger. It was the only way to bring honor back to the name Shimada. _

_ Things did not go as planned _

***

The situation, as Hanzo’s dear...boyfriend? Lover? Partner? Partner. The situation as Hanzo’s dear partner would say was ‘fucked up’. They had been ambushed by bandits late one night while they were still licking their wounds from a rather nasty encounter with Orcs. Hanzo, Jesse, Genji and Zenyatta were caught completely off guard by the attack. Not only had they been beaten soundly, but to make matters worse the bandits had kidnapped Zenyatta. Together they tracked down the bandits to an abandoned town where the ruffians had set up shop. 

“Right. If I know my bandits, and I’d like to think I do, they’re probably all set up in that pub over there” said Jesse as he pointed at the only two-story non-church building in the town. “Seein’ if any of those taps still work, you know? I’d bet my hat that Zenyatta’s probably either locked in the basement or tied up on the second floor.”

“Great!” Genji stood up, sword at the ready, his massive lower spider half nearly knocking Jesse and Hanzo over. “Let’s go in there and kill them all!” 

“We are not killing all of them!” Hanzo hissed as he forced his brother to sit back down in the bushes. “If you haven’t noticed we are drastically outnumbered! Running in will get us all killed!” 

"So?!” Genji pointed his sword straight at the encampment, “If we don’t hurry they might kill Zenyatta! I can’t, I can’t...Hanzo, I can’t…”

Hanzo loosened his grip on his brother. Genji was shaking. He was trembling. Even when Genji stared down the High Priestess of Lloth he didn’t tremble. When his body was transformed into a dryder Genji only laughed. But here, far away from the warforged monk that brought him peace, Genji was afraid. And Hanzo didn’t know what to do. 

Thank whatever Gods were keeping their merry band alive for Jesse. Before Hanzo could trip over his own words and make things worse Jesse leaned over to rub Genji’s arm. “Hey, hey! We’re going to get Zenyatta out of there! I promise, okay?”

Genji wiped his eyes and nodded. His whole body relaxed, and his smile returned. “But how? If running in isn’t an option…”

“That’s where I come in.” Jesse stood up too fast for Hanzo to stop him. Then again, concepts like ‘we’re trying to hide here’ and ‘we’re moving silently take off those damned spurs’ never seemed to occur to him. Even now he acted as if he were under a spotlight instead of on a mission. A side effect of being forced to act like a human, Hanzo mused. 

Jesse pointed at himself. “I’m going to go down there and sneak my way in to make sure that Zenyatta’s being held there. If he is, I’ll give a signal and you two-” He pointed at the brothers, “Rush in arrows and swords a-blazing. If he isn’t I’ll sneak out and no one will be the wiser.” 

Hanzo took a deep breath. He loved this man. He just had to remind himself sometimes. “Jesse, that place is crawling with bandits. I count three, no, four guards on this side of the building alone. You are as subtle as a suit of armor falling down an empty well. How exactly are you planning on sneaking in?” 

Jesse flicked his wrist and in a blink of an eye he, well, changed. Gone was the tiefling Jesse McCree. His skin had gone from the color of dried blood to something a bit more human. His pointy ears were rounded, the small horns on his head vanished, and his eyes faded to brown. There stood Jesse McCree the human, still rather striking (in Hanzo’s opinion) but nowhere as demonic as his real self. Still dressed like a damn cowboy.

“Uh.” Genji tugged at Jesse’s serape, which Jesse swore he only wore to hide his small bat-like wings and not because of his terrible fashion sense. “You still look a lot like you. The guy they tried to kill?” 

“That’s what the disguise kit is for!” Jesse tossed Hanzo his hat and grinned. “Now, darlin, I don’t suppose I could get a kiss for good-”

Before Jesse could finish the thought Hanzo grabbed a handful of serape and forced Jesse down enough so he could lean up for a kiss. A brief, tender one that Hanzo silently prayed wasn’t their last. He let go of the slightly stunned Jesse and returned to his look-out position. Genji sunk down next to Hanzo, trying to flatten his massive body as much as he could as they watched Jesse slip away into the darkness.

“So,” Genji said after a moment of silence. “You and-”

Hanzo shushed his brother silent before returning to the task at hand. There, right on the edge of the encampment, he saw Jesse slip out from his cover. Well the good news he wasn’t wearing his serape. The bad news was the rest of his ‘disguise’. Hanzo rubbed his eyes. “Genji. Tell me he isn’t wearing his old man outfit.”

“You mean the one with the oversized hat, glasses with no glass in them, and powdered sugar in his hair?” Genji squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “I promise we will give him a proper burial once we rescue Zenyatta ourselves.” 

“Thank you, Genji,” Hanzo muttered.

“Don’t worry, I won’t make you wear the traditional clothes of mourning.”

“Thank you,  _ Genji _ .” 

“But only because you look terrible in purple.”

“ _ Gen _ -” Hanzo bit his brother’s name off short as Jesse approached the guards. 

The guards pointed their weapons at Jesse and said something Hanzo couldn’t hear.

Jesse said something in return. Hanzo wasn’t sure what, but he somehow knew Jesse topped it off with that damn smile of his.

The guards looked at each other. They spoke. Genji tightened his grip on his blade. Hanzo held his breath. 

The guards moved aside and Jesse strolled right in. 

“Lloth’s tit!” Genji said, saying what Hanzo had been merely thinking. “How come everyone falls for that?”

“He is a charmer.” Hanzo said with a faint smile on his lips.

“Uh huuuuuh?” Genji nudged Hanzo in the side. “About that-”

And like that the smile was gone. “No.”

“Come on! I told you all about Zenny!” 

“I did not  _ ask. _ ” Hanzo stressed. “Nor did I ask about any of the details you have shared with me so far.”

“Give me a little something!” Another playful nudge, “Like, does he break out that disguise kit in bed or-”

Hanzo answered his brother by shoving Genji’s still-drow top half as hard as he could. Sadly the large spider bottom half kept his brother from going right over. Genji laughed, wiping his eyes as he turned back towards the bandit encampment. In a flash his smile vanished. “Wait. Did Jesse ever tell us what the signal was?” 

The second the words left his lips there was a loud crash in the distance, followed by what appeared to be a bandit being thrown through the second story window. Hanzo sighed as he stood up. 

“I believe that’s our cue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want more DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AU? 
> 
> [Here's more from this AU over in my Genyatta week](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8768701/chapters/20163649)
> 
> [And my buddy Wyntera did Hanzo and Jesse's first D&D smooch over in her McHanzo week!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8918011)


	4. Day Four - Role Reversal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided to go back and finish up the couple of ship weeks I had to abandon due to health issues. Enjoy!

Angela was always proud of the lack of vices in her life. She didn’t smoke, drink, take drugs; she even stuck with eating healthy food and rarely indulged in sweets or fats. Every morning she went jogging and every night she meditated with Genji and Zenyatta to clear her mind. She lived what she considered a good, healthy life. But the second she walked into the infirmary and saw Jesse sitting there with an arrow sticking out of his his chest Angela really wanted a drink.

“Howdy, Doc,” Jesse said with a nod as if there wasn’t a God Damn Arrow stuck in his chest.

Hanzo was there too with an expression that read, ‘I’m only here because my boyfriend is an idiot.’ He was holding Jesse’s hand and everything, that sweetheart. But seeing Hanzo made something click in Angela’s mind. The arrow was short, light, and if she had to guess barely an inch into the cowboy. Nothing like the deadly weapons Hanzo always carried. 

She pointed at the arrow and stated, “That’s not one of your arrows, Hanzo.” 

“No, no it is not,” Jesse said. “Wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you if I got on the wrong end of my sweetpea’s arrows. Unless you count the one Cupid shot at me.” He laughed, or at least tried to before it turned into a pained groan. 

“So how-” 

“He shot himself,” Hanzo said, his face still a perfect example of annoyed boyfriend. 

Angela paused mid-reach towards her Caduceus Staff. “What? _How?!”_

“Yes, Jesse.” Hanzo gave Jesse a look. “How _did_ it happen?”

Jesse tried to give the two of them his normal charming smile, but another jolt of pain caught him off guard. “So uh, last mission we were on I was admiring my sweet-as-molasses boyfriend here using his bow and I thought to myself, well, using a bow can’t be that hard.” 

“Oh no,” Angela said, which got a knowing nod from Hanzo. 

“Now now, I ain’t no idiot! So instead of jumping into the deep end of the bow and arrow pool I decided to practice first with this dinky little crossbow I found in storage. I went down to the range, shot off a few rounds, did pretty well mind you-”

“Until…?” Hanzo prompted. 

“Until one of the arrows missed, bounced off a metal panel on the wall, ricocheted off a corner and uh, found a more cowboy-shaped mark.” Jesse coughed. “And I’ll have you know I headed straight here! Didn’t even get much blood anywhere!"

“Athena informed me of Jesse’s condition and I met him here,” Hanzo said. After a pause he added, “I have already disposed of the crossbow.”

Angela picked up her staff. “Thank you, Hanzo. And Jesse?”

Jesse tried that charming smile one more time. “Yeah, Doc?”

The staff came to life in her hands, and with it the golden healing light she knew stung like all hell. Normally she felt a little bad for it, but perhaps this would help Jesse learn his lesson. “Let Hanzo do the archery from now on.”

“Will do, Doc. Will do.”


	5. Day Five - Young Love

Hanzo Shimada was having a very odd dream.

Yes, that was it. He was dreaming. There was no other way to explain this. One moment he had been resting in his room at the Shimada Castle, exhausted after training with his father, and now he was...here. Not exactly a prison, but not exactly a normal bedroom, either. If the inexplicable change in local didn’t clue this in that this was a dream the gorilla talking about time travel certainly did. 

“-tomorrow, at the latest,” the gorilla (who introduced himself as Winston and was wearing glasses, because dreams were like that) finished. 

“I’m really, really sorry about this Han, um, Shimada-san,” said the nervous British woman (Lena, glowing machine strapped to chest). “But we’ll get you back to your proper time period no problem! Well, we have to, because we did, but we’re going to because we haven’t done it yet, but we’ve already done it so we know it’s gonna work. So no worries love!” 

“I understand,” Hanzo lied. “Thank you.”

That seemed to be the magic words to get the gorilla and woman to leave, talking quietly to themselves about other temporally displaced people in Hanzo’s dream. As soon as he was sure they weren’t coming back Hanzo took quick stock of the room he was in. One bed, comfy. One dresser, empty. One window, lovely ocean view against an extremely sheer unclimbable rock face. Bathroom, fully stocked. Closet, empty save for iron and ironing board. One door, currently open with a cowboy on the other side.

“Howdy!” said the cowboy. He looked to be Hanzo’s age, couldn’t have been older than twenty, and dressed in what might have been a uniform if it wasn’t for the cowboy hat, boots, and belt buckle. The cowboy stuck out his hand, “Name’s Jesse. But I bet you already know that considering you’re in my dream and the like.”

Hanzo only hesitated a second before taking the cowboy’s, Jesse’s, hand. “Hanzo. And this is your dream, you say?”

“Sure is!” Jesse gave Hanzo’s hand a firm shake before pulling away. “I was hiding out in storage, avoiding Morrison’s ‘mandatory’ meeting, when all of a sudden it’s almost twenty years later and there’s a talking gorilla running the show? Not to mention running into someone as gorgeous as you? I must be dreaming.”

Jesse’s eyes went soft as a downright charming smile spread across his lips. In any other situation Hanzo would have felt ashamed by how much that smile made his heart flutter. But this was a dream. Weakness could be forgiven. “Then it appears we are in this together, Jesse. For I was in my room back home and am now here.”

“Sure you were.” Jesse finally broke eye contact and looked away, “Gotta admit I’m a little disappointed. I thought super realistic dreams were supposed to be more exciting than this.” 

“Oh?” Hanzo asked as he took a step forward. “For example?”

Jesse shrugged. “Not sure? Being trapped at a slightly different version of work seems like a waste. I could be flying over some mountains, walking around on the Moon, lifting up tanks like it’s nothing, maybe even spending a little quality time with-” 

“Someone gorgeous?” 

The bold move was worth the blush on the cowboy’s cheeks. But Jesse recovered, moving his arms around Hanzo’s hips and pulling him close. “You’re certainly the prettiest figment of my imagination that I ever thought up. What do you say, sweetheart? Wanna spend this dream with little old me?” 

Hanzo answered with the type of kiss he always denied himself, given to the type of man he could never have in his waking life. And in return he was kissed in the way no man was brave enough to give him. As they stumbled towards the bed Hanzo prayed that, unlike most of his dreams, he would remember this one. 

*** 

Years later, which was also concurrently, Hanzo Shimada turned off the security feed of the room his past self was in. The other screens in the security room stayed on, showing off a whole range of temporarily mismatched Overwatch agents.

“Aww,” moaned the equally-current Jesse McCree. “We were just getting to the good part, darlin’!” 

“We-” Hanzo paused. “They deserve privacy. Unless you do not remember how it went?”

Jesse wrapped his arms around Hanzo and hugged him from behind. “Course I do, sweetheart. I’ll remember that night till my dying day, and most likely past that. Although, I got to admit, I’ve always been a bit shocked that my pick-up line worked on you.”

Hanzo leaned back in Jesse’s arms. “I as well. But it was better than your second pick up line of, ‘Didn’t we make out in a dream once?’.”

“You still fell for it,” Jesse muttered into Hanzo’s neck.

Hanzo twisted around enough to kiss Jesse properly and smiled. “Indeed I did.”


End file.
